I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
