I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
