WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
