Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
