overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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