This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
