Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm both gender and math confused
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
