Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Randomize
