Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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