i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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