Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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