omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
