do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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