I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
