i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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