I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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