you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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