I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Randomize
