just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
