I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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