I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
