oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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