I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
