Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
