my sisters under your porch take her home
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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