So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
