You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
