I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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