Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
