Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
