She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
operation have a gay friend backfired
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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