Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
