last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
