i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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