just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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