Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
