Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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