3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
