she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
even my farts smell like vagina
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize