How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize