just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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