When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
