I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
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