So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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