My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
