Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
