I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
