i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
