I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
