dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
