This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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