I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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