Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize