Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
