yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
