Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
