You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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