Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
