I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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