cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize