I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
