you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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