I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
